Aug. 24th, 2009

chesuto: (Aiba - mysteries of the world)
All this month I have done/will be doing things entirely for me. I've spent so much money this month entirely for me.

I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend. I went to visit her for two weeks.

I wanted to live by myself this year. I spent so much money on apartment stuff.

I wanted to go to Japan. I wanted to see Arashi. I'm leaving on Wednesday to do those things.

Yet still, despite everyone saying 'it's only money, it'll come back'. 'Experiences are worth so much more than money', I'm still worried. Probably because that's...what I do.

I don't want my insecurities and depression to ruin this trip. I want to have fun. I want to scream at the concert, I want to laugh at Matsumoto castle, and I want to hopefully not get lost. I'm so tired of the anxiety running my life and hurting others. In a few weeks I'll be able to get help.

I thought I'd never be able to go back to school. I'm getting my degrees soon. Two of them! I thought I'd never survive my internship last semester. I have a letter of recommendation from my attorney! I thought I'd never survive my summer job at K-Mart. I did!

Right now, I think I'll never be able to make it to Shinjuku to meet ReyRey. But I know on Wednesday (...Thursday crazy Japan time) I'll be chattering away at her and she'll be OH GOD SEND IT BACK TO THE STATES.

So listen, self. You're going to push your crazy brain aside for just a few weeks until you can get help. You can do it, even if you don't think you can.

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chesuto: (Default)
幸せはきっと私の手の中に

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