chesuto: (Misc - bffs)
psstt [personal profile] rui ilu ♥
chesuto: (Aiba - mysteries of the world)
Ugh such a bad week. Up and down, up and down. Sometimes I think the medicine is working, sometimes I feel worse than ever.

Maybe I'm too lazy to get better? I can't seem to ever get things right.

I'm sorry for being a jackass, Rui. You deserve better.
chesuto: (Sho - no drill sargeant!)
It is the medicine that's making me want to punch someone I really care about in the face.

I hope.
chesuto: (Misc - bffs)
urgh this new medication makes me so tired in the mornings. Which wouldn't be horribly bad if...all my classes weren't in the morning. Hopefully my body gets adjusted to it soon. ;;

Speaking of getting adjusted to things, before I get carried away and forget, it has now been a year since some weird chick kissed me and kinda sorta changed my life. Love you, Sparky. ♥
chesuto: (Nino - i will kill you where you stand)
Because I may or may not have fucked up and taken cold medicine that I wasn't supposed to, the psychiatrist is postponing increasing my dosage of Whateverthefucki'mtaking until next Tuesday. I'm having more trouble than usual sleeping and she's not sure what to blame for it. If I'm still not sleeping by Friday she's going to switch me to ANOTHER medication, which also includes a sleeping pill ingredient in it.

I'm getting very, very tired of this.
chesuto: (Misc - preparing for the end)
Apparently I'm experiencing a side effect of the medicine the psychiatrist prescribed me, making me feel hyper antsy. Instead of feeling a little better, I've felt worse than ever. She told me to increase my dose and eat chocolate.

Eating chocolate makes me feel bad about my weight.

Please. I just want this to end.

I fucked up making tacos for dinner.

Go me?

Sep. 25th, 2009 07:21 pm
chesuto: (Sho - rui rui look scarves)
I haven't had a chesuto post in awhile. Basically because I've sorta been a failure at life.

But today I did a couple of things.

I went to Old Navy to buy a sweater that I liked that was on sale for $20 off, plus I got a 10% student discount. I picked up the XXL to try on and almost cried when it was a little bit too tight. As I was doing the walk of shame to put it back, I happened to glance down and see the tag.

It was a small. The small was a little too tight.

I called Rui cuz I was happy but then I...went to buy the XXL. My brain just refuses to acknowledge that I'm losing weight. Rui had to tell me to try on the medium and the large. I ended up buying the large.

I know that it's a sweater and that it stretches. But it's the very first ladies' clothing that I've bought in a size large.

On the way home, as I was sitting at the bus stop, a blind lady came up and said "hello" to the general bench. No one spoke up to talk to her.

Then I did.

And she was very nice. I spoke to someone! I could have just been like everyone else and occupy myself with something else. But I turned off my ipod and listened to her.

It's too soon for the medicine to be working. I've still had lots of negative thoughts and just generally been the same. But maybe...maybe I can be a happier person soon.
chesuto: (MatsuJun - book learning)
Physicists can make antimatter, in the form of individual particles, and even atoms of antihydrogen (an antielectron in an orbital around an antiproton). Perhaps some pocket of the universe contains antistars made from antihydrogen, with circling antiplanets and anticivilizations of antipeople. If so, you could safely introduce yourself to them over a radio transmission, but we wouldn't recommend a handshake.

then later...

Thus, the gold in your jewelry was forged not in the fires of Mordor, but in a type II supernova whose brightness rivaled a hundred billion stars combined.

Yesterday

Sep. 22nd, 2009 08:31 am
chesuto: (Aiba - even AIBA thinks you're stupid)
Was a horrible day. One of those days where everything and anything seems to go wrong.

Today I start on anti-depressants. By next week the psychiatrist says I should be thinking a little more clearly.

I don't understand astronomy. I'm struggling with not feeling like a complete failure for needing to utilize the services available for people who don't understand astronomy. That these services are available, indicating I am in no where near being alone not understanding astronomy doesn't make me feel any better. So I have to carve time out of the time I don't have to go to tutoring.

Bitch bitch whine whine. I find it unbelievable that medicine is supposed to suddenly make things more manageable.

I just have to pass astronomy. I don't need an A. I'm taking the class pass/fail. But as my boss and Rui predicted, I can't think of it that way. I'm terrified of missing points on this assignment.

88% is an A-.

I haven't had a chance to clean my apartment yet this week. I feel dirty. I haven't done tae bo either lately. But hopefully I'll be back on track this week; last week I had a shopping adventure and the Ren Faire which took up a lot of time.

Going to have to eat out again tonight. I don't have time to go shopping and go home to cook before tutoring.

Bleh.
chesuto: (Misc - dare to dream)
I sense this will happen a lot this semester.

In a passage talking about polarization and talking about polarized sunglasses:

The glasses simply employ a filter which eliminates photons polarized in that one directions, so that the remaining light that passes through to your eyes does not include the glare. For the sake of these sunglasses, it is convenient that glare is usually caused by light deflecting off a horizontal surface, so the direction of polarization is the same every time. If you tilt your head, ear-to-shoulder (as if you're eating a taco), then your polarized sunglasses will no longer be of much help (Fortunately, most taco eating takes place indoors.)
chesuto: (Sho - not quite a dream chance)
1. I am tired of being told from professors about the UPCOMING H1N1 PANDEMIC AND TO STAY HOOOOOOME OMGGGGG. I know they mean well and have been instructed to do it but geez.

2. My grad level literature course seems like it will be okay. The professor remembered me from a class I had before, and I know a girl in my class so yayz.

3. My astro class won't have any math on the tests, only on the homework. I've never been so relieved in my life, but still think I won't change it to graded from the pass/fail option I have now.

4. Japan since 1700 history class is...work intensive but it shouldn't be bad. The professor is a little weird but oh well.

5. Japan 1600 Revolution history class with Tonomura-sensei is...the exact same as the other history class I had with her orz orz orz. One big paper due. I assumed that from the grad class but not this one sob.

Overall, shitloads of reading and writing this semester. Blargh.
chesuto: (Nino - i will kill you where you stand)
So I'm sitting here nearly in tears because I can't make pancakes.

I'm old. And I can't cook. So I decided hey. I should learn! But I can't make pancakes. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I'm following the instructions. But first they burnt immediately when I poured the batter in the pan, then when I tried not to cry and try again they just stuck to the pan and I gave up and just threw the whole mess away.

So now I have a ruined frying pan, so I can't have any dinner since the only food I have has to be cooked in a frying pan. It's too late to order delivery because I have to go to work before it would get here.

And now it's not nearly in tears anymore. God, I feel like such a failure.

asd;flkj

Sep. 5th, 2009 04:16 pm
chesuto: (Sho - nya nya nyaaaa)
I've been super antsy and nervous all day. wtfffffff calm down, self. You are making yourself do and think stupid shit. Chiiiiiiill.

In other news, I discovered that my apartment is pretty much in the best location ever. That is all.
chesuto: (Group - d'aw wookit dees cheeks)
It is time for me to stop trying to alienate people who are trying to care for me. So, today I have:

- Hugged Joey aka Lord Voldemort. God I had such a crush on him when I first moved here pfffttt. Frat boys, take your cues from Joey. That is how you should be.

- Commented to someone who I unjustifiably stopped talking to because I was being a petty bitch.

- Went out and hung out with sister. Had delicious ice cream.

- Didn't shy away when people at work started talking to me. Laughed with them instead of thinking they were laughing at me.

It's not much. But it's a start.
chesuto: (Misc - bffs)
Been a roller coaster of emotions lately. Lots of ups and downs. Just when I think I have a handle on things, it always seems to slip out of reach again. I'm going to the counseling office to fill out forms again on Wednesday though so. Maybe that's a step in the right direction, I don't know.

I'm not really worried about classes but I...should be. I might only be taking 12 credits, but the classes are hard. I'm worried about money though, so I volunteered to take more shifts. This will probably significantly reduce the amount of time online.

I'm worried that people will forget about me, will move on to bigger and better things while I'm struggling to get through this semester. I have no faith in my ability to maintain friendships, and I project that on to others quite a bit.

Anyway. No real point to this post. First day back at work in about an hour. A little nervous, but just first day jitters I think.
chesuto: (Aiba - mysteries of the world)
All this month I have done/will be doing things entirely for me. I've spent so much money this month entirely for me.

I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend. I went to visit her for two weeks.

I wanted to live by myself this year. I spent so much money on apartment stuff.

I wanted to go to Japan. I wanted to see Arashi. I'm leaving on Wednesday to do those things.

Yet still, despite everyone saying 'it's only money, it'll come back'. 'Experiences are worth so much more than money', I'm still worried. Probably because that's...what I do.

I don't want my insecurities and depression to ruin this trip. I want to have fun. I want to scream at the concert, I want to laugh at Matsumoto castle, and I want to hopefully not get lost. I'm so tired of the anxiety running my life and hurting others. In a few weeks I'll be able to get help.

I thought I'd never be able to go back to school. I'm getting my degrees soon. Two of them! I thought I'd never survive my internship last semester. I have a letter of recommendation from my attorney! I thought I'd never survive my summer job at K-Mart. I did!

Right now, I think I'll never be able to make it to Shinjuku to meet ReyRey. But I know on Wednesday (...Thursday crazy Japan time) I'll be chattering away at her and she'll be OH GOD SEND IT BACK TO THE STATES.

So listen, self. You're going to push your crazy brain aside for just a few weeks until you can get help. You can do it, even if you don't think you can.
chesuto: (Aiba - very big danger)
I hate the roads in Ann Arbor. Oh yes.

Anyway, I was trying to get to the grocery store on Plymouth Road. I pass by this sign:



Sooooo it's the corner of Beal Ave and Beal Ave. Yes, both avenues. One is not a street, or a road, or a blvd. It's the same road crossing the same road.

I CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE INTERSECTION and see this sign:



Wait. What happened. Why did the road change. THEN proooobably five feet or something from that sign, the road terminates as it meets ... I forget the name of the road. I THINK BEAL I dunno.

Someone smarter than me explain this. orz
chesuto: (Misc - not the droid you're looking for)
Things I have accomplished today:

- Found out that riding the Northwood bus takes forever. And I think I'm the only non-Asian on campus right now.

- DROPPED MY SATURN NECKLACE OMG. I was coming out of a store, transferring stuff between bags and it must have caught and thank god I had my ipod off and heard it hit the pavement. MAKINO I THINK YOU SENT ME YOUR NECKLACE BY MISTAKE. ;o;

- Bought some cute things at the dollar store.

- Ate out, despite my money worries. Proceeded to then get sick from the food I ate. orz

- Successfully used stove without burning myself.

- Managed to avoid the rain despite being out most of the day!...then got wet when I went outside to take a picture of the fabulous rainbow we had from it being bright and sunny and pouring rain.

- Bought shrimp at the dollar store. I'm a little scared to eat them.

- Finished watching season 5 of House. Baw now what am I going to watch.
chesuto: (Sho - :/)
The past couple of weeks have been at the same time awesome and emotionally draining. Such a roller coaster of emotions, ugh. Was supposed to go home today, but the flight was overbooked and I volunteered my seat for a $300 flight voucher. I just need somewhere to go within the next year then haha.

Baby steps. I get frustrated, and lash out and hurt people in the process, but I'll get better. When will anti-depressants just be an over the counter drug. :/

But! I've learned some important things, made some important memories, and discovered that I apparently quite enjoy alcohol. Whoops.

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