chesuto: (Misc - note to self)
I can barely move, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I want to just cry and cry and cry.

But I got through the first day and haven't slacked off on anything I said I'd do. It'll get easier. Just have to keep going.

Go me?

Sep. 25th, 2009 07:21 pm
chesuto: (Sho - rui rui look scarves)
I haven't had a chesuto post in awhile. Basically because I've sorta been a failure at life.

But today I did a couple of things.

I went to Old Navy to buy a sweater that I liked that was on sale for $20 off, plus I got a 10% student discount. I picked up the XXL to try on and almost cried when it was a little bit too tight. As I was doing the walk of shame to put it back, I happened to glance down and see the tag.

It was a small. The small was a little too tight.

I called Rui cuz I was happy but then I...went to buy the XXL. My brain just refuses to acknowledge that I'm losing weight. Rui had to tell me to try on the medium and the large. I ended up buying the large.

I know that it's a sweater and that it stretches. But it's the very first ladies' clothing that I've bought in a size large.

On the way home, as I was sitting at the bus stop, a blind lady came up and said "hello" to the general bench. No one spoke up to talk to her.

Then I did.

And she was very nice. I spoke to someone! I could have just been like everyone else and occupy myself with something else. But I turned off my ipod and listened to her.

It's too soon for the medicine to be working. I've still had lots of negative thoughts and just generally been the same. But maybe...maybe I can be a happier person soon.
chesuto: (Group - d'aw wookit dees cheeks)
It is time for me to stop trying to alienate people who are trying to care for me. So, today I have:

- Hugged Joey aka Lord Voldemort. God I had such a crush on him when I first moved here pfffttt. Frat boys, take your cues from Joey. That is how you should be.

- Commented to someone who I unjustifiably stopped talking to because I was being a petty bitch.

- Went out and hung out with sister. Had delicious ice cream.

- Didn't shy away when people at work started talking to me. Laughed with them instead of thinking they were laughing at me.

It's not much. But it's a start.


Jul. 13th, 2009 07:30 am
chesuto: (Sho - nonconned in the face)
Thank you to everyone who offered love and hugs. Special love for the offers of protective violence. I'm always a little taken aback that people actually care about me since lulz my parents don't.

But today I'm going to keep going. I immediately thought yesterday 'well, I guess I can never walk down this road again...' which is just dumb. I can't go through life being scared of everything and everyone. So, let's try this again, life. You haven't beaten me yet. o7
chesuto: (Nino - not pretty)
Had a terrrrrrrrrrrrible couple of days. Everything just went wrong, wrong, wrong. Completely freaked myself out watching that stupid Suicide Club movie.

Things are looking better today though. I now play Sho on the internets at comorbidities, think I'm back on track with Rui, and it's supposed to be an absolutely gorgeous day outside. I think I'll go for a walk and then either work on cleaning or get tae bo out of the way for the day. First though I have a date with a mirror lulz.
chesuto: (News - delicious love juice)
I think a side effect to dating someone who actually cares about you and is a positive influence on you, is that you gradually start feeling better about yourself; no matter how low your self-esteem was before that.

I am a big girl. Very big. Made bigger by the fact that I wear clothes too big for me, because I hate and am ashamed of my body.

Today, I walked for an hour outside in a form-fitting tank top and shorts.

The world did not end. :)
chesuto: (Sho - bread guuuuu :Db)
Thank you sooooo much to everyone that commented on my last post. Seriously. How did anti-social introverts survive before the internets and being able to 'talk' to people. ♥ I will remember you all when I'm rich!

In other news, asically I've been having a hard time lately accepting that I'm...accepted if that makes sense. I feel such self loathing that it's hard to understand what people are saying to me. I hear it. I understand the words. But I don't understand. This morning though, after a restless night and typical shitty day at work, my asshole manager came and talked to me about UofM since he had a daughter just graduate from there. And the guy who is an ass to everyone, who was an ass to me, was totally nice and even complimentary.

And...I get it now. People aren't going to act how I expect them too because...they're people. They think differently than I do; have had other experiences then I have had. What is beautiful to one, isn't to another. One loves oranges, another hates them. It seems like it's a simple concept, but when you dehumanize 'people' you seriously don't see this at all. And I have been doing this to an amazing extent. Missing that there are different flavors, different scents, different colors, because people are all different.

I'm truly sorry for hurting you.
chesuto: (Sho - rui rui look scarves)
I'm off to lose all my money, possibly get drunk for the first time ever, and I think see lots of naked people. Uwaaaaaaaaah~!
chesuto: (HYD - my own memory)
One minute you're so certain you're completely alone in the universe, and then someone wears a cheap thing you made and things seem a little sunnier.

Had a bit of a chesuto this morning; was joking around with the receiving guy who is super, super nice and I love him a lot. I've also sorta come to terms with my hair; even though I still hate it, I am amused that I can wake up with it perfectly styled into the flippy thing that Sho's does. And the lady wanted me to buy this stuff to style it with. Pft.

I'm just going to be a lazy bastard today because...I just need to be a lazy bastard today.
chesuto: (MatsuJun - Hang loose)


At Kmart. That's going to be the worst job ever. That I will HATE WITH A FLAMING PASSION. But it's money. MONIES FOR ME. MONIES WHICH MEAN I CAN DO THINGS.


Sorry for the capslock. I was just ON FIRE this morning and wow. I needed this boost to my self esteem.

Fuck yeah.
chesuto: (MatsuJun - Hang loose)
In the process of cleaning out my closet, I found two pairs of pants I can fit into, two pairs I'm SOCLOSE to fitting in to, and 3 that lulz yeah right BUT SOMEDAY MAYBE. This excites me. Trying on old pairs of pants totally counts as a chesuto, because I didn't get depressed when they didn't fit! I was just like, derp these go in that pile and I'll try them again at the end of the summer!

A couple weeks ago I saw a comedy show headlining Janeane Garofalo, and one of her openers was...lulz I forget his name BUT. There was a part where he was summin like, "I hate people who judge people. The other day I saw this person and I just KNEW they were judging me!!1!"

And everyone was like hahahahahahahasofunny oh you comedian you. But it was totally one of those, THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE LULZ YEAH I DO THAT DERP WHOOPS HAHAHA. I make judgments about people judging me all the time! Oh, me. You so silly.
chesuto: (MatsuJun - Hang loose)
I'm also going to TRY to do something POSSIBLY SLIGHTLY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE on a regular basis, so I'll keep track of that here (dreamwidth) too!

So today, at 10am, I e-mailed my ex-HR department to kick their ass in gear about if I have a damn job or not.

I also woke up at about 9:30, and had my brother bugging me at about 9:35. Oh the joys of coming home for the summer.

And now to try the cross post function. OH THE EXCITING NEW PROMISES OF TODAY~.

edit: hahahaahahahaha oh universe. of course when I try something new it ends in failure and no job.


chesuto: (Default)

May 2010



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