chesuto: (Ohno - bird brained)
I have to decide if I want to go to a shitty school in Michigan, or a shitty school in Boston within the next two weeks. I don't know if I'll get in to a good school in Boston or New York; most of them say they won't have a decision until the end of April.

Way to have to make a major life decision while frantically trying to catch up with school work and start end of semester projects.

Michigan will be way cheaper of course. But it seems like this shitty Boston school has decent financial aid opportunities.

I'm not sure how to go about making a decision like this. So, I won't do it today and instead read about the anti-homosexual movements of the '50s.
chesuto: (Sho - letter to myself)
I realized today just what an ungrateful bastard I am.

Coworker: "Hear anything about law schools yet?"

Me: "Yeah, I got in to two of my safety schools, MSU and Cooley."

Coworker: "hahahaha I love how you call MSU a safety school, my roommate would kill to get in there; he's not being accepted anywhere yet"

Me: ._____.

bleh

Nov. 30th, 2009 05:09 pm
chesuto: (Ohno - bird brained)
One day I'll stop having expectations from my parents.

Today I made an appointment to be transferred to the University's depression center. I e-mailed my parents to let them know that since my appointment is on the 23rd, I don't think I'd be able to go up to their house for Christmas since they'd have to come pick me up since my sister isn't driving home. But they're more than welcome to come down here and just celebrate and just not take me back with them like they would have had to do if I went home sooner.

So my mom calls me.

"So your sister isn't coming home then? And we probably won't be able to drive down anyway since my hours got cut."

No asking about my therapy. No 'awww no family Christmas times'. Just a blunt 'what's your sister doing'.

I just replied, "I'm not my sister." and refused to say much else.

Sigh.
chesuto: (Misc - bffs)
psstt [personal profile] rui ilu ♥
chesuto: (Misc - bffs)
urgh this new medication makes me so tired in the mornings. Which wouldn't be horribly bad if...all my classes weren't in the morning. Hopefully my body gets adjusted to it soon. ;;

Speaking of getting adjusted to things, before I get carried away and forget, it has now been a year since some weird chick kissed me and kinda sorta changed my life. Love you, Sparky. ♥

Yesterday

Sep. 22nd, 2009 08:31 am
chesuto: (Aiba - even AIBA thinks you're stupid)
Was a horrible day. One of those days where everything and anything seems to go wrong.

Today I start on anti-depressants. By next week the psychiatrist says I should be thinking a little more clearly.

I don't understand astronomy. I'm struggling with not feeling like a complete failure for needing to utilize the services available for people who don't understand astronomy. That these services are available, indicating I am in no where near being alone not understanding astronomy doesn't make me feel any better. So I have to carve time out of the time I don't have to go to tutoring.

Bitch bitch whine whine. I find it unbelievable that medicine is supposed to suddenly make things more manageable.

I just have to pass astronomy. I don't need an A. I'm taking the class pass/fail. But as my boss and Rui predicted, I can't think of it that way. I'm terrified of missing points on this assignment.

88% is an A-.

I haven't had a chance to clean my apartment yet this week. I feel dirty. I haven't done tae bo either lately. But hopefully I'll be back on track this week; last week I had a shopping adventure and the Ren Faire which took up a lot of time.

Going to have to eat out again tonight. I don't have time to go shopping and go home to cook before tutoring.

Bleh.
chesuto: (Nino - i will kill you where you stand)
So I'm sitting here nearly in tears because I can't make pancakes.

I'm old. And I can't cook. So I decided hey. I should learn! But I can't make pancakes. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I'm following the instructions. But first they burnt immediately when I poured the batter in the pan, then when I tried not to cry and try again they just stuck to the pan and I gave up and just threw the whole mess away.

So now I have a ruined frying pan, so I can't have any dinner since the only food I have has to be cooked in a frying pan. It's too late to order delivery because I have to go to work before it would get here.

And now it's not nearly in tears anymore. God, I feel like such a failure.
chesuto: (Aiba - very big danger)
I hate the roads in Ann Arbor. Oh yes.

Anyway, I was trying to get to the grocery store on Plymouth Road. I pass by this sign:



Sooooo it's the corner of Beal Ave and Beal Ave. Yes, both avenues. One is not a street, or a road, or a blvd. It's the same road crossing the same road.

I CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE INTERSECTION and see this sign:



Wait. What happened. Why did the road change. THEN proooobably five feet or something from that sign, the road terminates as it meets ... I forget the name of the road. I THINK BEAL I dunno.

Someone smarter than me explain this. orz
chesuto: (Misc - not the droid you're looking for)
Things I have accomplished today:

- Found out that riding the Northwood bus takes forever. And I think I'm the only non-Asian on campus right now.

- DROPPED MY SATURN NECKLACE OMG. I was coming out of a store, transferring stuff between bags and it must have caught and thank god I had my ipod off and heard it hit the pavement. MAKINO I THINK YOU SENT ME YOUR NECKLACE BY MISTAKE. ;o;

- Bought some cute things at the dollar store.

- Ate out, despite my money worries. Proceeded to then get sick from the food I ate. orz

- Successfully used stove without burning myself.

- Managed to avoid the rain despite being out most of the day!...then got wet when I went outside to take a picture of the fabulous rainbow we had from it being bright and sunny and pouring rain.

- Bought shrimp at the dollar store. I'm a little scared to eat them.

- Finished watching season 5 of House. Baw now what am I going to watch.
chesuto: (Sho - :/)
The past couple of weeks have been at the same time awesome and emotionally draining. Such a roller coaster of emotions, ugh. Was supposed to go home today, but the flight was overbooked and I volunteered my seat for a $300 flight voucher. I just need somewhere to go within the next year then haha.

Baby steps. I get frustrated, and lash out and hurt people in the process, but I'll get better. When will anti-depressants just be an over the counter drug. :/

But! I've learned some important things, made some important memories, and discovered that I apparently quite enjoy alcohol. Whoops.
chesuto: (Group - ssshhh we're bringing sexy back)
Trust is haaaaaard. Maybe it's because I'm such a liar myself, but trusting others seems to be getting harder and harder for me, rather than easier.

I am on the cusp of awesome things. About to start my last year of undergrad, about to head to law school, about to go to Japan. Instead of feeling awesome though, I'm consumed by self doubt and jealousy. Fear. Uncertainty. I guess maybe I'm finally living a life instead of letting it do what it wants to me?

But you near break my heart with loving you. In the show we're watching, there was a line about a heart not being able to break: it's a muscle, it can tear, but not break entirely. That's what this feels like. So much tearing.
chesuto: (MatsuJun - hang loose)
Uwaaaaaah so on Rui's suggestion I downloaded Google Chrome since Firefox was hating on me and man IE sucks.

I love eeeeeet. Just get some plugins all up in here, Google, and we'll be lovers for life.

I have nothing else interesting to say. :(

Family orz

Jul. 17th, 2009 04:53 pm
chesuto: (Nino - i will kill you where you stand)
I am so so so so frustrated with my mother. She seriously has the mentality of a ... 12 year old? Maybe? I don't know if it's a legitimate mental disorder or what but jeezus. It's so aggravating.

Why hasn't school started yet. ;;
chesuto: (Group - can you hear me now?)
What I have learned from working with my dad today to build a porch:

- A man (at least my dad) can smash the hell out of his thumb with a hammer and just shake it off. I, on the other hand, curse like a motherfucker.

- "Always look down when you're building something. Something will trip you, but nothing will fall on your head."

FIVE MINUTES LATER

- "....if the porch starts coming down run like hell. THIS NAIL MAY BE THE ONLY THING HOLDING IT UP AND IMMA GONNA PULL IT NOW 8D"

- Always take the ladder your dad is standing on instead of the spare ladder.

- Punch dad in the face when you're freaked out to go on the second rung and he's all like. Walking with the ladder to be a show off. Ass.

- Sawdust will find you no matter where you go.

- Your dad will laugh at you every time you trip.

- I trip often.

- Why is a triangle shaped thing called a square???

- Using a magnet on a string to pick up nails is the most fun thing ever.
chesuto: (Misc - preparing for the end)
hahaha well that didn't last long. Went out walking where I was made fun of by Random Asshole on Porch. I should have had my music turned up louder. Came home and cried all over my sister and Rui. Both tried to cheer me up in their own ways.

I know that people who care about me think I'm pretty and that looks aren't supposed to matter. That I shouldn't pay any attention to Random Asshole on Porch. But it still really, really hurt. I immediately internalized it. He wasn't saying that stuff because he's an asshole, oh no. It's because there are tons of things wrong with me, right? Otherwise he wouldn't have said anything!

Still crying a little, but eventually it will be rolled back into all of the other bad stuff that I accumulate in my head. I get used to Ann Arbor. My sister said it was just ranked one of the best places to live in country? The atmosphere is so much more positive. I know it has its shit too, but for the most part no matter who you are, people are there to accept you and think just like you. Not like where I'm at for the summer. I don't want to classify them as rednecks, because then I'm doing just what they do, but there's this Small White Town mentality that is very, very destructive.

I'm going to watch Gackt play with Arashi now.
chesuto: (Sho - :/)
Looking through old pictures. Noticing the dates. So long ago, man. But it still makes me cry.

Memories don't ever fade completely, huh? For good or bad.
chesuto: (Group - always one in a bunch)
Got my LSAT score. GOT MY LSAT SCORE. holyshitholyshitholyshit.

Last year = 17th percentile.

This year = 44th percentile

It's still not fabulous. It's not in the guaranteed in range. But my new score, combined with my gpa and recommendations? There's no way I shouldn't get in to law school. No way.

Crying with relief. Holy shit. Holy shit.
chesuto: (Sho - bread guuuuu :Db)
Kyaaaaaaaa such an awesome day today even though work sucked ass as usual. Spent the day bumming around with my friend, had so much fun, ate good foods and squealed together about our upcoming trip to Vegas. Uwaaaaahhhhh I'm excited. There will be rollercoasters and flashy things and dodging hookers and drinking and gambling and uwaaahhhhhh it should be fabulous.

But the most fabulous thing to happen right now is having the next two days off. Yessssss.

Now to watch more Hell's Kitchen. How I love watching people being unrealistically screamed at. \o/
chesuto: (Aiba - mysteries of the world)
Once again, I froze during the test. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself, and I just flat out can't do this, and I'm blaming it on stress or anxiety.

I want to become a lawyer for possibly all the wrong reasons. Money, prestige, a feeling of pride when I announce who and what I am. But it was still something I wanted. Does it classify as a dream? I don't know. It was possibly the closest I've come to having one though.

I'm filled with feelings of rage and hopelessness. Rage against myself for so many reasons, rage against the system, rage for things so far out of my control. I want to personally go to each application review board and cry and tell them that no! That test isn't me! Please, just give me a chance to prove myself. That's not possible though. And is it even the truth? Did I do all I could?

It's pointless to second guess yourself, I know. But all the coulda shoulda wouldas are rushing through my mind at a million miles an hour. I feel stupid, I feel tiny, I feel pointless.

Pick yourself up and keep going. Find something else to do, don't give up. I can hear the words, but I can't understand them. I just wanted to do something. Be someone. Logic tells me there are other opportunities out there, but right now I can't see them.

I'll get over it. Or not. I guess that's the next test in my life.
chesuto: (Sho - average shoe size)
Finally shook off all the depression of the last couple days. It was really scary there for awhile, but as always Rui yanked me out of it. I seriously don't deserve her.

Heading down to Ypsi/Ann Arbor tomorrow afternoon to retake the lsat on Monday. Maaaad mad studying must happen sob. I'm just not a person who can/performs well when studying is spread out. I'm a last minute stress studier. :|b

Absolutely cannot figure out how to style my hair. I'm just not meant to have short hair I guess. Groooooow plz. ;;

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