chesuto: (Default)
2010-04-11 01:30 am
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(no subject)

Everything will be better in the morning. To fall now, at the final stretch, would be inexcusable.

Thank you for caring enough to tell me when I'm stupid, Sparky.
chesuto: (Misc - preparing for the end)
2010-02-19 06:51 pm
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(no subject)

I just got my 2nd acceptance letter from Thomas Cooley Law School here in A2 and they offered me a 50% scholarship.

I just can't get excited. The guy told me the wrong school he was calling from the other day; I was accepted to Michigan State, not U of M.

So I've been accepted to 2 second tier law schools so far.

I mean. It really shouldn't matter where I go to school, I mean. As long as I pass the bar, right? Is it better to graduate at the top of a second tier school or the bottom of a first tier school? I dunno.

My self esteem would just really like to be accepted to a 1st tier school, but really. Did I work as hard as I could? No. I don't deserve a 1st tier admission.

Why can't I be happy.
chesuto: (Ohno - bird brained)
2010-01-28 02:57 pm
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(no subject)

Today in therapy it was hypothesized that I have daddy issues.

I think it's a bad sign that instead of thinking of how to work through this, I'm thinking of Austin Powers.
chesuto: (Group - d'aw wookit dees cheeks)
2010-01-27 05:44 pm
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(no subject)

I think I might finally be on the right mix of medications. Or been in a really good mood the last few days. EITHER WAY I am accomplishing things and am now waiting until my laundry is done before diving back in to homework.

All of my law applications have been submitted. Nothing else I have to do now which is a relief. No more worrying about letters or transcripts! Just chillin! Aaahhhh chillin.

I've been chillin' on my schoolwork too. Surprisingly the world hasn't blown up! I've been trying to do my hair everyday and my next goal should probably be to clean my apt whoops.

Hopefully my applications for my first choice schools are in soon enough that if I fail, I still have time to hit up my second tier choices :Db

Things are going well! Let's keep this up!
chesuto: (Sho - not so neighborly)
2010-01-13 11:45 am
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(no subject)

Been crying on and off since classes started. Psychiatrist isn't returning my calls. Got a new hair cut that makes me cry whenever I see myself in the mirror and I look in the mirror a lot because I hate myself.

Broke all my resolutions already.

Been working on a Speech all morning instead of doing homework or something else constructive. Internal Speeches are never good, and yet...

I'll just try to pick up as many shifts as I can and get back on track with homework. Need to stay away from the computer.
chesuto: (Sho - at a glance)
2010-01-11 04:43 pm
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(no subject)

Everything seems like it's exploding. I was doing pretty well with maintaining composure and not checking my email every five seconds and obsessing like a freak and now LOLOL it's all back again. Can't concentrate, can't sleep. Want to curl in a ball in a corner somewhere.

There's nothing more I can do. My hands are tied until my professors and university get their shit into the law school admissions council. I've made my wishes and schedules known to Interested Parties, it's up to them if they come or not.

I just don't know how to deal with the crushing disappointment if nothing happens.

Hopefully I'll be back on medication next week. Pleeeeease make that help.
chesuto: (Nino - i will kill you where you stand)
2010-01-09 11:54 pm
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(no subject)

Such a terrible day today. Annoyed by people at Mochitsuki, then annoyed by people at work. Annoyed, annoyed, annoyed.

I have this problem where I have standards for people. For example, if I ask you to get something and you tell me you'll get it I...expect you to get it! If I ask you not to do something and you acknowledge it, I expect you not to do it two seconds later! People are just really, really annoying me lately. It's probably compounded by me being off meds so things are more difficult to just let go.

My therapist says that thinking that way is what hurts me. That I have all these expectations in my head that I can't allow for people to do their own thing. And he's probably right since he's a trained professional and all.

But I dunno. Is it so much to ask to hold people to their word? Bleh.
chesuto: (Misc - hello sushi minus hot guy)
2009-12-26 05:01 pm
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(no subject)

Oh maaaaan today is being rough. Started out okay with my shopping trip, but seeing something that I may or may not have taken the wrong way is sending me doooooown. Trying to not dwell; I have some mozzarella sticks in the oven and then I'll try to read more TRC.

The weather hasn't helped much, stupid Ann Arbor.

Me: *waiting for the mall bus*
A2: *blowing snoooooow 8D*
Me: *a;sdlkjf GETS ON BUS D:*
A2: *...stops snowing, brings out the sun :D*
Me: *.....gets off at Mall?*
A2: *....oshi-- SNOOOOOW 8D*
Me: *a;dlkfj*

Coming home:
Me: *waiting for mall bus inside the mall :|*
A2: *aaww c'mon out, look it's sunny again :D*
Me: *...k*
A2: *hahhahahahahahaa snooooooow for youuuuu 8D*
Me: *as;dlkfj*
chesuto: (Misc - preparing for the end)
2009-12-10 01:36 pm
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(no subject)

Finally crashing.
chesuto: (Aiba - mysteries of the world)
2009-11-07 03:22 pm
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(no subject)

Ugh such a bad week. Up and down, up and down. Sometimes I think the medicine is working, sometimes I feel worse than ever.

Maybe I'm too lazy to get better? I can't seem to ever get things right.

I'm sorry for being a jackass, Rui. You deserve better.
chesuto: (Sho - no drill sargeant!)
2009-10-21 08:31 am
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(no subject)

It is the medicine that's making me want to punch someone I really care about in the face.

I hope.
chesuto: (Nino - i will kill you where you stand)
2009-10-14 11:14 am
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(no subject)

Because I may or may not have fucked up and taken cold medicine that I wasn't supposed to, the psychiatrist is postponing increasing my dosage of Whateverthefucki'mtaking until next Tuesday. I'm having more trouble than usual sleeping and she's not sure what to blame for it. If I'm still not sleeping by Friday she's going to switch me to ANOTHER medication, which also includes a sleeping pill ingredient in it.

I'm getting very, very tired of this.
chesuto: (Misc - preparing for the end)
2009-09-28 06:04 pm
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(no subject)

Apparently I'm experiencing a side effect of the medicine the psychiatrist prescribed me, making me feel hyper antsy. Instead of feeling a little better, I've felt worse than ever. She told me to increase my dose and eat chocolate.

Eating chocolate makes me feel bad about my weight.

Please. I just want this to end.

I fucked up making tacos for dinner.
chesuto: (Aiba - even AIBA thinks you're stupid)
2009-09-22 08:31 am
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Was a horrible day. One of those days where everything and anything seems to go wrong.

Today I start on anti-depressants. By next week the psychiatrist says I should be thinking a little more clearly.

I don't understand astronomy. I'm struggling with not feeling like a complete failure for needing to utilize the services available for people who don't understand astronomy. That these services are available, indicating I am in no where near being alone not understanding astronomy doesn't make me feel any better. So I have to carve time out of the time I don't have to go to tutoring.

Bitch bitch whine whine. I find it unbelievable that medicine is supposed to suddenly make things more manageable.

I just have to pass astronomy. I don't need an A. I'm taking the class pass/fail. But as my boss and Rui predicted, I can't think of it that way. I'm terrified of missing points on this assignment.

88% is an A-.

I haven't had a chance to clean my apartment yet this week. I feel dirty. I haven't done tae bo either lately. But hopefully I'll be back on track this week; last week I had a shopping adventure and the Ren Faire which took up a lot of time.

Going to have to eat out again tonight. I don't have time to go shopping and go home to cook before tutoring.

chesuto: (Sho - nya nya nyaaaa)
2009-09-05 04:16 pm
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I've been super antsy and nervous all day. wtfffffff calm down, self. You are making yourself do and think stupid shit. Chiiiiiiill.

In other news, I discovered that my apartment is pretty much in the best location ever. That is all.
chesuto: (Misc - bffs)
2009-09-04 12:46 pm
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(no subject)

Been a roller coaster of emotions lately. Lots of ups and downs. Just when I think I have a handle on things, it always seems to slip out of reach again. I'm going to the counseling office to fill out forms again on Wednesday though so. Maybe that's a step in the right direction, I don't know.

I'm not really worried about classes but I...should be. I might only be taking 12 credits, but the classes are hard. I'm worried about money though, so I volunteered to take more shifts. This will probably significantly reduce the amount of time online.

I'm worried that people will forget about me, will move on to bigger and better things while I'm struggling to get through this semester. I have no faith in my ability to maintain friendships, and I project that on to others quite a bit.

Anyway. No real point to this post. First day back at work in about an hour. A little nervous, but just first day jitters I think.
chesuto: (Aiba - mysteries of the world)
2009-08-24 08:09 pm
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(no subject)

All this month I have done/will be doing things entirely for me. I've spent so much money this month entirely for me.

I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend. I went to visit her for two weeks.

I wanted to live by myself this year. I spent so much money on apartment stuff.

I wanted to go to Japan. I wanted to see Arashi. I'm leaving on Wednesday to do those things.

Yet still, despite everyone saying 'it's only money, it'll come back'. 'Experiences are worth so much more than money', I'm still worried. Probably because that's...what I do.

I don't want my insecurities and depression to ruin this trip. I want to have fun. I want to scream at the concert, I want to laugh at Matsumoto castle, and I want to hopefully not get lost. I'm so tired of the anxiety running my life and hurting others. In a few weeks I'll be able to get help.

I thought I'd never be able to go back to school. I'm getting my degrees soon. Two of them! I thought I'd never survive my internship last semester. I have a letter of recommendation from my attorney! I thought I'd never survive my summer job at K-Mart. I did!

Right now, I think I'll never be able to make it to Shinjuku to meet ReyRey. But I know on Wednesday (...Thursday crazy Japan time) I'll be chattering away at her and she'll be OH GOD SEND IT BACK TO THE STATES.

So listen, self. You're going to push your crazy brain aside for just a few weeks until you can get help. You can do it, even if you don't think you can.
chesuto: (Sho - letter to myself)
2009-08-09 03:43 am
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(no subject)

I think there are things people do when it's late and they are just this side of tired and full of anxiety. When low self esteem and insecurity just seem to sneak up on you and before you know it, it has its teeth and claws buried deep.

It's one of those things where I know I'll feel better in the morning. When the thoughts going through my head now will be washed away by morning stirrings and a little bit of sunlight. But for right now I'm just sad. Snuggles, while they mean well, just don't seem to be getting through to me. When you feel that you don't deserve any kindness in the world, it's difficult to accept I think.

But I guess I'm just making excuses for what in the end is just me giving up. Depression is so easy. In the morning, the person inside me that hates to lose will wake up again and flog me for doing this to myself.

But right now, I'm just sad.