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Jun. 8th, 2009 09:48 pmOnce again, I froze during the test. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself, and I just flat out can't do this, and I'm blaming it on stress or anxiety.
I want to become a lawyer for possibly all the wrong reasons. Money, prestige, a feeling of pride when I announce who and what I am. But it was still something I wanted. Does it classify as a dream? I don't know. It was possibly the closest I've come to having one though.
I'm filled with feelings of rage and hopelessness. Rage against myself for so many reasons, rage against the system, rage for things so far out of my control. I want to personally go to each application review board and cry and tell them that no! That test isn't me! Please, just give me a chance to prove myself. That's not possible though. And is it even the truth? Did I do all I could?
It's pointless to second guess yourself, I know. But all the coulda shoulda wouldas are rushing through my mind at a million miles an hour. I feel stupid, I feel tiny, I feel pointless.
Pick yourself up and keep going. Find something else to do, don't give up. I can hear the words, but I can't understand them. I just wanted to do something. Be someone. Logic tells me there are other opportunities out there, but right now I can't see them.
I'll get over it. Or not. I guess that's the next test in my life.
I want to become a lawyer for possibly all the wrong reasons. Money, prestige, a feeling of pride when I announce who and what I am. But it was still something I wanted. Does it classify as a dream? I don't know. It was possibly the closest I've come to having one though.
I'm filled with feelings of rage and hopelessness. Rage against myself for so many reasons, rage against the system, rage for things so far out of my control. I want to personally go to each application review board and cry and tell them that no! That test isn't me! Please, just give me a chance to prove myself. That's not possible though. And is it even the truth? Did I do all I could?
It's pointless to second guess yourself, I know. But all the coulda shoulda wouldas are rushing through my mind at a million miles an hour. I feel stupid, I feel tiny, I feel pointless.
Pick yourself up and keep going. Find something else to do, don't give up. I can hear the words, but I can't understand them. I just wanted to do something. Be someone. Logic tells me there are other opportunities out there, but right now I can't see them.
I'll get over it. Or not. I guess that's the next test in my life.