幸せはきっと私の手の中に

I haven't had a chesuto post in awhile. Basically because I've sorta been a failure at life.

But today I did a couple of things.

I went to Old Navy to buy a sweater that I liked that was on sale for $20 off, plus I got a 10% student discount. I picked up the XXL to try on and almost cried when it was a little bit too tight. As I was doing the walk of shame to put it back, I happened to glance down and see the tag.

It was a small. The small was a little too tight.

I called Rui cuz I was happy but then I...went to buy the XXL. My brain just refuses to acknowledge that I'm losing weight. Rui had to tell me to try on the medium and the large. I ended up buying the large.

I know that it's a sweater and that it stretches. But it's the very first ladies' clothing that I've bought in a size large.

On the way home, as I was sitting at the bus stop, a blind lady came up and said "hello" to the general bench. No one spoke up to talk to her.

Then I did.

And she was very nice. I spoke to someone! I could have just been like everyone else and occupy myself with something else. But I turned off my ipod and listened to her.

It's too soon for the medicine to be working. I've still had lots of negative thoughts and just generally been the same. But maybe...maybe I can be a happier person soon.

Thank you to everyone who offered love and hugs. Special love for the offers of protective violence. I'm always a little taken aback that people actually care about me since lulz my parents don't.

But today I'm going to keep going. I immediately thought yesterday 'well, I guess I can never walk down this road again...' which is just dumb. I can't go through life being scared of everything and everyone. So, let's try this again, life. You haven't beaten me yet. o7

I think a side effect to dating someone who actually cares about you and is a positive influence on you, is that you gradually start feeling better about yourself; no matter how low your self-esteem was before that.

I am a big girl. Very big. Made bigger by the fact that I wear clothes too big for me, because I hate and am ashamed of my body.

Today, I walked for an hour outside in a form-fitting tank top and shorts.

The world did not end. :)

I'm off to lose all my money, possibly get drunk for the first time ever, and I think see lots of naked people. Uwaaaaaaaaah~!

CHESUTO OF THE YEAR.

I HAVE A JOB.

At Kmart. That's going to be the worst job ever. That I will HATE WITH A FLAMING PASSION. But it's money. MONIES FOR ME. MONIES WHICH MEAN I CAN DO THINGS.

Oh man. I FUCKING ACED THAT INTERVIEW. Like, I was the BEST INTERVIEWEE EVER. I WAS FRIENDLY. I WAS FUNNY. I DIDN'T STUTTER ONCE. I WAS THE MOST PERSONABLE PERSON EVER. I KINDA FELL IN LOVE WITH ME. I SAID MY STRENGTH WAS MY CONFIDENCE. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA MY CONFIDENCE. LYING SKILLS - LEVEL UP DESU.

Sorry for the capslock. I was just ON FIRE this morning and wow. I needed this boost to my self esteem.

Fuck yeah.

I'm also going to TRY to do something POSSIBLY SLIGHTLY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE on a regular basis, so I'll keep track of that here (dreamwidth) too!

So today, at 10am, I e-mailed my ex-HR department to kick their ass in gear about if I have a damn job or not.

I also woke up at about 9:30, and had my brother bugging me at about 9:35. Oh the joys of coming home for the summer.

And now to try the cross post function. OH THE EXCITING NEW PROMISES OF TODAY~.

edit: hahahaahahahaha oh universe. of course when I try something new it ends in failure and no job.