幸せはきっと私の手の中に

Everything will be better in the morning. To fall now, at the final stretch, would be inexcusable.

Thank you for caring enough to tell me when I'm stupid, Sparky.

Today in therapy it was hypothesized that I have daddy issues.

I think it's a bad sign that instead of thinking of how to work through this, I'm thinking of Austin Powers.

Been crying on and off since classes started. Psychiatrist isn't returning my calls. Got a new hair cut that makes me cry whenever I see myself in the mirror and I look in the mirror a lot because I hate myself.

Broke all my resolutions already.

Been working on a Speech all morning instead of doing homework or something else constructive. Internal Speeches are never good, and yet...

I'll just try to pick up as many shifts as I can and get back on track with homework. Need to stay away from the computer.

Such a terrible day today. Annoyed by people at Mochitsuki, then annoyed by people at work. Annoyed, annoyed, annoyed.

I have this problem where I have standards for people. For example, if I ask you to get something and you tell me you'll get it I...expect you to get it! If I ask you not to do something and you acknowledge it, I expect you not to do it two seconds later! People are just really, really annoying me lately. It's probably compounded by me being off meds so things are more difficult to just let go.

My therapist says that thinking that way is what hurts me. That I have all these expectations in my head that I can't allow for people to do their own thing. And he's probably right since he's a trained professional and all.

But I dunno. Is it so much to ask to hold people to their word? Bleh.

Ugh such a bad week. Up and down, up and down. Sometimes I think the medicine is working, sometimes I feel worse than ever.

Maybe I'm too lazy to get better? I can't seem to ever get things right.

I'm sorry for being a jackass, Rui. You deserve better.

Because I may or may not have fucked up and taken cold medicine that I wasn't supposed to, the psychiatrist is postponing increasing my dosage of Whateverthefucki'mtaking until next Tuesday. I'm having more trouble than usual sleeping and she's not sure what to blame for it. If I'm still not sleeping by Friday she's going to switch me to ANOTHER medication, which also includes a sleeping pill ingredient in it.

I'm getting very, very tired of this.

Apparently I'm experiencing a side effect of the medicine the psychiatrist prescribed me, making me feel hyper antsy. Instead of feeling a little better, I've felt worse than ever. She told me to increase my dose and eat chocolate.

Eating chocolate makes me feel bad about my weight.

Please. I just want this to end.

I fucked up making tacos for dinner.

I've been super antsy and nervous all day. wtfffffff calm down, self. You are making yourself do and think stupid shit. Chiiiiiiill.

In other news, I discovered that my apartment is pretty much in the best location ever. That is all.

All this month I have done/will be doing things entirely for me. I've spent so much money this month entirely for me.

I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend. I went to visit her for two weeks.

I wanted to live by myself this year. I spent so much money on apartment stuff.

I wanted to go to Japan. I wanted to see Arashi. I'm leaving on Wednesday to do those things.

Yet still, despite everyone saying 'it's only money, it'll come back'. 'Experiences are worth so much more than money', I'm still worried. Probably because that's...what I do.

I don't want my insecurities and depression to ruin this trip. I want to have fun. I want to scream at the concert, I want to laugh at Matsumoto castle, and I want to hopefully not get lost. I'm so tired of the anxiety running my life and hurting others. In a few weeks I'll be able to get help.

I thought I'd never be able to go back to school. I'm getting my degrees soon. Two of them! I thought I'd never survive my internship last semester. I have a letter of recommendation from my attorney! I thought I'd never survive my summer job at K-Mart. I did!

Right now, I think I'll never be able to make it to Shinjuku to meet ReyRey. But I know on Wednesday (...Thursday crazy Japan time) I'll be chattering away at her and she'll be OH GOD SEND IT BACK TO THE STATES.

So listen, self. You're going to push your crazy brain aside for just a few weeks until you can get help. You can do it, even if you don't think you can.