chesuto: (Sho - raaaaaain)
It seems lately that I've been shedding more and more of my childhood. This...shouldn't be such a shock considering my age, but it's a little surprising nonetheless. I kinda got started late on the whole childhood thing, so now that I'm Old I don't feel that way, and I guess I've been surrounding myself with the trappings of that lost kiddie stuff.

But now I've been encouraged to 'act my age' so to speak. But it worries me. What exactly does that mean, and if I do change the way I act, is it just so I don't seem immature to certain people?

Basically the whole WHO AM I question has been pounding in my brain. Bleh. I know it's not a question to be answered in one sitting, or one day, or however you want to classify time. But it's bothering me.

Mrrr. :/
chesuto: (Sho - not so neighborly)
blaaaaaaaargh had the worst night of night terrors that I've had in a loooong time. Hopefully whatever was bugging me has worked itself out now. orz

I will not let today get me down! >O!
chesuto: (Aiba - even AIBA thinks you're stupid)
Been feeling very strange lately. Feeling old habits slipping back. Haven't done tae bo in about four days now. Possibly related? Could be.

I feel something slipping away though, for real this time.

It's my birthday on Friday. I really have never had an unpleasant birthday before; I've always enjoyed them a lot actually. But...the possibilities for that this year aren't looking good.

Oh well.
chesuto: (Nino - not pretty)
Had a terrrrrrrrrrrrible couple of days. Everything just went wrong, wrong, wrong. Completely freaked myself out watching that stupid Suicide Club movie.

Things are looking better today though. I now play Sho on the internets at comorbidities, think I'm back on track with Rui, and it's supposed to be an absolutely gorgeous day outside. I think I'll go for a walk and then either work on cleaning or get tae bo out of the way for the day. First though I have a date with a mirror lulz.

blahs

Jul. 3rd, 2009 10:11 pm
chesuto: (Sho - nya nya nyaaaa)
Been feeling very out of sorts lately. Body issues, relationship issues, issues issues issues. Family issues, soon to have school issues, la la.

A friend is trying to get me a ticket to Arashi next month. This is an amazing opportunity. I've wanted to go to Japan for so long, and to see Arashi too would be amazing. Dreams coming true! I should be super happy!

But the thing most in my mind is that it will be mean I can't go to Boston. And that makes me very, very sad. I would have an amazing time in Japan. But yet...the place I most want to be is a cluttered bedroom a few states away.
chesuto: (Sho - raaaaaain)
So, what have I been up to lately. Got my ass ripped up and handed to me by the girlfriend, but it's big enough to survive ripping so I'm still alive. For me, it's the first time I've been seriously called out on what I do, and it was seriously like being jolted awake. Since then I've been doing a lot of thinking about my behavior and why I do the things I do, what it means to be in a relationship, what it means to have human interactions and things along these lines.

It's interesting what this, combined with exercising, has done for me. (Although I'm taking 2 days off from tae bo because...I need 2 days off. But I will jump back in on Wednesday!!) I feel better. Not just a mood upswing I don't think. Those felt a little different, like depression was there lurking JUST OUT OF SIGHT, waiting for me to come back into its delicious arms. I'm not 'cured' by any means, if that's even possible. But for the first time...ever?...I feel like Things Will Be Okay.

I need to make another post about something else soon, but it'll keep for another day. Let's keep on going, self.
chesuto: (Sho - bread guuuuu :Db)
Thank you sooooo much to everyone that commented on my last post. Seriously. How did anti-social introverts survive before the internets and being able to 'talk' to people. ♥ I will remember you all when I'm rich!

In other news, asically I've been having a hard time lately accepting that I'm...accepted if that makes sense. I feel such self loathing that it's hard to understand what people are saying to me. I hear it. I understand the words. But I don't understand. This morning though, after a restless night and typical shitty day at work, my asshole manager came and talked to me about UofM since he had a daughter just graduate from there. And the guy who is an ass to everyone, who was an ass to me, was totally nice and even complimentary.

And...I get it now. People aren't going to act how I expect them too because...they're people. They think differently than I do; have had other experiences then I have had. What is beautiful to one, isn't to another. One loves oranges, another hates them. It seems like it's a simple concept, but when you dehumanize 'people' you seriously don't see this at all. And I have been doing this to an amazing extent. Missing that there are different flavors, different scents, different colors, because people are all different.

I'm truly sorry for hurting you.
chesuto: (Default)
So far in this trip to vegas I've stayed with my friends family in Detroit and now here. I've been hugged and highfived. Nana (friends grandma) just told me to make myself at home. Because this is my home while I'm here.

They're a sweet family. Full of I love yous and hugs.

It makes me so uncomfortable orz
chesuto: (Misc - note to self)
Fuck you, brain. I did awesome at controlling you last night. You did not control me. And then you give me that nightmare? Seriously? I have to leave for work in a few minutes and it's still hard to breathe and I'm shaking.

Just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Fuck.
chesuto: (Nino - Curiousity killed the cat)
Feeling much better today. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate. my job so much, but nothing I can really do. The odds of finding a job now that will just take me for a couple months is pretty nil. I will eternally hate the credit union for what it did to me this summer. Rawr.

One bit of hilarity is that I found that the coworkers that I had there whom I thought were my friends were indeed only coworkers. Oh well. I'm cool with only having one friend.

So far I've kept my new month's resolution intact! Viva myself!

I should try a chesuto soon.
chesuto: (Default)
I thought I was doing all right, and...no, I'm still all right! But there is a tightness in my chest that hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

Change is difficult. It is something that, during my interview, I lied about my ability to adapt to.

I hate this. I hate all of this.

But I will adapt. I will get through it. Regardless of what I want, regardless of what will make me happy, I have a goal. And I think I was honest in my interview when I said everything in my life is a way of propelling me towards that goal.

So, fuck you. I'll be okay.

Day 5

May. 22nd, 2009 09:49 pm
chesuto: (MatsuJun - Hang loose)
Think I missed doing this yesterday oh well.

I've been swinging on the manic side of manic depressive for awhile now. Been feeling good, had a total slacking off day in celebration of obtaining summer employment. Caught myself doing some self destructive things and stopped myself! So, we'll see how long this lasts. I enjoy not crying. \o/

Day 3

May. 19th, 2009 08:51 pm
chesuto: (Sho - At a glance)
Wow my moods were all over the place today. From feeling really good when I woke up, to absolutely shitty when I found out about the royal asshole treatment my old job decided to give me, to full of rage at the universe, to deep depression and feelings of worthlessness and now just a general numb kind of feeling.

...

Literally numb. It's cold in here. Start of job seeking tomorrow will either end in tears or ... yeah probably tears. One day I will be a person who doesn't take everything personally. One day.

Day 2

May. 18th, 2009 09:50 pm
chesuto: (Ohno - It's tough being the Riida)
Long day of traveling should have put me in a wretched mood today, but it didn't! I've been pretty steady today. A bit exasperated on the drive home from the airport as my mom continuously ignored everything I said but hey! That's just par for the course really. XD

I am now om noming cheese popcorn and dreading clearing off my bed for sleepy times. My sleep schedule is so fucked.

I am not full of baw and tears! Dunno what that says about what's going on in my head. XD;;

Day 1

May. 17th, 2009 11:41 pm
chesuto: (Aiba - Puppy wuv)
Woohoo I have found a purpose for this journal. This will be my daily mood tracking; just general thoughts on the day journal type thing that the counselor suggested I do before I ran away from further counseling! This will also include fangirling of course since...that usually is one of the few things to affect me mood oftentimes. XD;;

So today! Last full day with Rui, going home for the summer tomorrow where I will be subjected to my dad's fish pie. Oh joy of joys.

Today was good! Had excellent foods, there is cake waiting for me in the morning! Walked in my new big people shoes which makes me feel all \o/. Didn't have any severe cases of emo except just general traveling anxiety and fretting about my test re-take in a couple of weeks that I still have as yet to prepare for. Waiting for my job to confirm that I actually HAVE a job too. orz

But over all, today's mood was pretty stable. No high peaks of joy, but no down dips of depression either.

...except for all of the times I have been involuntarily molested today. Damn girlfriends.

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chesuto: (Default)
幸せはきっと私の手の中に

May 2010

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