幸せはきっと私の手の中に

Had a long conversation with my mom about everything that's been going on in my head. This is something I continuously do, even though she really doesn't give a shit.

The end result was basically "you might be feeling bad, but at least you're heading somewhere. My life is so much shittier than yours."

I guess this is true? She's 50. Possibly too late in life to start over like I am. She said to quit K-Mart, and she was ambivalent about the problems I talked about with my relationship with my girlfriend. Granted, this could be because she really doesn't acknowledge it as a relationship at all.

Neither of my parents do anything to help themselves. All my dad has to do is go to a class and they can get cash assistance, but he won't. Too proud? Yeah, definitely. At least I know where I got that from.

I think she used the money for the electric bill for cigarettes.

There's really no one irl that I can turn to. I have one friend here, but she's a hanging out type friend? I've shared a few crummy things with her but mainly I dunno. Just not that kind of friend I guess.

How many times can a person pick themselves up before they just stay on the ground?

I'm sick with the thought of having to work tomorrow.

Orientation at K-Mart yesterday sucked complete ass. The whole big retail chain thing never really bothered me before since hey stuff is cheap and I'm poor! A+! But just the mentality that surrounds that kind of place is horrible. The anti-union bashing videos we were made to watch just kinda made me sick, as did the example skits about discrimination. I guess in a way we all have to be taught how to treat others with respect, but...I don't know. It bothered me.

Today will be the first time I'll be on my feet for an 8 hour day. After today I'll regularly be scheduled 5am - 10am. This has its pros and cons! Hey, it will be nice to be done at 10 and have the rest of the day to do other things. But mostly things tend to happen in the evenings, and those are taken away from me with the necessity for sleep.

Not..that I sleep much anyway. But watch my body finally do it when I need to get up at the ass of o'clock.

Already had to derail my brain from going down the depression trail a few times this morning. But that's okay! I just have to keep pulling it back on track until it becomes a habit.

Freezing weather warning, a long day doing rote physical labor...

One day I will look back on today as an amusing side-track that I needed to do to help me along the road of success. Actually living today will require that I hold my head high, keep true to myself, and at the end my tears will be of accomplishment instead of depression.

\o/

Went to Work First! Only to find out all their stuff is just online anyway and wow was that a waste of time!

Ever since I've woken up I've had a super tight feeling in my chest. A little like that feeling you get before you cry? I just have a feeling that everything is falling apart despite the realistic fact that nothing is.

- I have a feeling that I'm going to be bankrupt and homeless on the street. Reality: I have money in my savings account to use until I resume my job at school this fall.

- I have a feeling that my financial aid won't go through this year. Reality: There's no reason why it shouldn't. I'm poorer than last year, my grades are still high.

- I have a feeling that I've lost my girlfriend. Reality: We spent hours last night talking about things, and probably things are stronger and clearer now than before.

- I have a feeling that I'm entirely alone in the world. Reality: I'm not, and if I am it's because I choose to be.

Oh hi, tears. There you are.

- I have a feeling that everything won't be all right, and that my life is worthless and purposeless. Reality: Most of my worries center around my future, so logic says somewhere inside I think I have one.

I'll try to cut down on the emo and baw. I'm aware that this is just a rough patch for me, and that I'll get through it. The sun is gorgeous outside, but I don't want to go out yet. I thought I could today but...maybe one more day. If I can't go out tomorrow then I'll...I don't know.

And not knowing is ultimately what I have to struggle to accept.